


A future for Sparkhouse

by jbx



Category: Sparkhouse
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-03-21
Packaged: 2018-05-15 17:31:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 13,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5793559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbx/pseuds/jbx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For anyone who has wanted a bit of happiness for our John.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A day to remember

**Author's Note:**

> Just a start but hope to clarify my ideas soon and post some more.

He could never forget that day. The day he and Lisa found Carol up at the old ruin, mourning Andrew 's death. She emerged from the ruins with new energy and walked as quickly as she could back down the hill with John and Lisa trying to keep up. Lisa stuck by her side while John, as always, trailed in her shadow.

They reached the farmhouse, the air filled with question marks. "Make us a cuppa, Lisa love, and I'll go get cleaned up," said Carol.

Once she had disappeared Lisa and John were left in the kitchen looking at each other. "What happens now, do you reckon?" asked Lisa. She loved John like some kind of soft blend between a dad and a big brother. She had felt more settled since he had married Carol and moved in than she could ever remember. Even in the last days since Andrew had tried unsuccessfully to whisk Carol away, and then permanently removed himself from their lives. John had been a warm and kind presence, letting her know that she was welcome with him. Suddenly now with this abrupt change in Carol 's attitude Lisa was afraid she might do something stupid and end their comfortable home life once and for all. "I don't want her to ruin things, John! I don't want her to wreck our family!" Lisa blurted out, her voice wobbly with emotion.

John didn't hesitate. He strode over to Lisa, threw his arms around her in a huge hug and held her tight. "She can't do that, Lisa love. Whatever happens, you are like a little sister to me and I'll always be here for you." So rarely in his life had John felt comfortable with anyone outside of his immediate family. He treasured having that feeling with Lisa and wouldn't let anything get in the way. "Now come on, get that kettle on or we will both be in trouble!" He patted Lisa's head and let go. He wanted nothing more than to reassure her that everything was fine, they were safe and could carry on as a family. In reality he had no idea what was going through Carol's mind and knew that only she had the power to decide which way his future would go. He took the mug of tea Lisa offered him and settled himself down at the kitchen table to await his fate.


	2. Chapter 2

Lost in thought John didn't hear Carol's footsteps as she came into the kitchen until she was standing in front of him. He looked up to see her with her hair tied up and work clothes on.  
"What are you doing sitting there then?" she asked. "Farm won't run itself you know."  
John was stunned. She had spent a night up in the ruins in the mess that Andrew had left behind and now here she was, cleaned up and ready for work.  
"Carol what do you think you are doing? You can't go to work today love. Not after what you've gone through." John stood up and put his hand out to her.   
"Of course I can. I'm fine. The rubbish has gone John. I told him to go when he were fighting you. I told him to leave us alone. Well now he has. For ever." On that last word her voice wavered but she stood firm. "And now we've got a farm to run." She stood defiantly in front of him, arms crossed defensively.

John took a step closer to her. During their short marriage they had formed a kind of physical truce. Before the wedding John had tentatively asked Carol if there would be sex as part of the arrangement she was offering. Carol had hesitated them confirmed that yes, there would be sex. He had taken her at her word and while he had never forced her he had clearly expected her to follow through and so she had. Grateful that he accepted her arrangement she had kept her side and, externally at least, she played the role of wife as best she could. Over the short time they were together she had mellowed. When she first suggested the arrangement to him she told him honestly that she had always been fond of him. He had always been kind to her, and she had to admit that not many people had. She found it surprisingly easy for that brief time to block out all that had gone before and so they became companions on the farm, on the sofa in the evenings and even, unbelievably in John's eyes, she gave him something he had barely hoped to have.

As John drew closer to her now Carol shivered.   
"Carol sit down. Have that cuppa. Get some rest. I can manage t'farm today. Lisa can come help me."  
Seeing his gentle care for her Carol's shell began to crack. Whispering she closed her eyes. "I need this, John. I need to get out there and be busy. I want to go out there and work with you. I chose you John. I told him to leave us cos I'd chosen to make my life with you. I told you I'd be a good wife John and I meant it. And if you won't come with me I'm going on my own."  
Her words hit John in his chest as if someone had punched him. He knew she was telling the truth. When Andrew had begged with her to go away with him she had said no. She did tell him to go away and leave them. And it was him, John, she had stayed with, his wounds she had tended back at the farm house. But he didn't know why. He was quite sure that she didn't love him. He had wished for her to love him and lived in hope that one day she would, but he knew that she didn't right now. She still loved Andrew.  
"Why Carol?" he asked nervously. "Why did you stay with me? He was offering you a chance to be with him. Why did you stay?"  
Heavily Carol sat down on the chair. "I loved him John. I loved him with all my heart for so long. And I thought he loved me. But he moved on. He left me when u needed him. He knew what had... He knew things about me that made him run and he left me. I knew when he came back offering to leave his wife and take me that I would never be able to trust him. Not like I can you John. Not like I can you."  
Carol looked up at John and waited for him to respond.   
"But you don't love me Carol." he murmured sadly.  
"I... no John. I don't love you. But I am truly fond of you. And I want to be with you."  
Suddenly John realised what Carol had said. "What things Carol? What happened to you? What did he know about you that made hin run?" He needed to know what secrets Carol was hiding.  
Shocked Carol stood up. "No John I can't. No. Not now. Not with Lisa in the house. But I promise you I will. I will tell you. When I can." With that she walked towards the door. "Well are you coming or what?" she asked. John stood and followed her to the door where his overall hung. He knew that for now he would just have to go with her. Nothing really seemed resolved. He didn't know how to move forward with her knowing that she didn't love him and did still love Andrew. But it was all he had for now and he wasn't about to give up on that.


	3. Chapter 3

Once again a truce descended on John and Carol. Over the next few weeks they worked hard to get the farm back on track and in their spare time they continued doing up the house to make it more of a home. There were times when they almost looked like any normal married couple. But then there were times when Carol would hide herself away and John knew that he couldn't reach her. He knew it was natural, all part of the grieving process. Knowing this didn't make it hurt John any the less. He wished with all his heart that he could be enough for her. He clung to the hope that in time she would come to love him.

Lisa on the other hand was thriving. She loved being part of a family and having John as a kindly father figure. He had time for her and was always kind to her. They chatted and teased each other and both grew in the confidence which came from knowing someone was on their side. John helped Lisa with her homework and she accompanied him on checks round the farm and walks with the dogs. He taught her things he had forgotten he knew about the plants and animals on their land. In exchange she made him laugh and told him stories of her day at school. 

One day when John and Lisa were out checking on the sheep Lisa caught John by surprise.  
"So are you and Carol gonna have a baby then?" she asked abruptly.  
"What?!" John was stunned. Not that he hadn't wondered the very same thing for himself. But somehow the answer seemed outside of his control. "And risk it turning out like you? No way!" he joked and Lisa smacked his arm.  
"I mean it," she said. "It's what married couples do, int it? And besides, I'd be a great big sister!"  
"It's sure you would, Lisa love. But I'm not sure Carol's ready for that just yet."  
In truth there was nothing John wanted more than a baby with Carol, as if this would cement their relationship. He longed to have a child of his own to bring up on the farm. A little one who he could love, and who would love him unconditionally. Although he couldn't even admit it to himself he also wanted a baby with Carol in an attempt to match what Andrew had had with her. Believing his words on their wedding day, having no reason to doubt them, he still thought that Andrew was Lisa's dad. It was one more way that John felt undermined by the dead man's memory.

"John are you alright cock? I was just asking. I didn't want to upset you."  
John came out of his reverie and put his arm round Lisa. "One day maybe, Lisa. One day."

The seed had been sown. If they were now trying to put the past behind them and make their marriage work then why shouldn't they have a baby, John wondered. When Car first asked him to marry her he had asked if they might have children. "Eventually." She had conceded. Well maybe he couldn't wait for eventually. Maybe he wanted it sooner rather than later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry the chapters are so short. I'm just exploring really and am too impatient to wait til I've written a longer chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

Again the weeks passed and Carol spent a little less time hiding away in sadness and a little more time with John and Lisa. The ache continued, as it always does after the death of someone significant, but Carol threw herself into working with John on the farm and the house. During the days when Lisa was at school they continued mostly in silence. Then Lisa would burst through the door bringing noise and laughter with her. She and John would chat and smile while Carol looked on. Strangely at these times she often felt like the outsider. She loved Lisa so much and was happy to see her blossom. Yet somehow Carol couldn't quite be part of it. 

On one such afternoon John and Carol were back from fixing up the barn and checking on the sheep just at the time Lisa was due back from school. "I'll make us a cuppa love," said John, as kindly as ever. Carol nodded and sat at the table to wait. She knew that any minute the door would bang open and Lisa would make an entrance. It was weighing on her mind how kind John was to both of them and how close she had come to throwing it all away for the emotional roller coaster that her relationship with Andrew had ever been. And yet she didn't feel worthy of John. Deep down she felt that somehow she deserved the rocky road rather than the peaceful home. How could John stay with her? How could he be so kind to her and Lisa? Andrew hadn't managed it. He had run away when he discovered her dirty secret. Surely John would do the same? Surely if he knew everything he would be disgusted too. And what would happen then? The farm was his too now after his big investment. Maybe he would want Lisa to stay but expect Carol to go? And where would she go? She couldn't bear to leave without Lisa but she couldn't give her the stability that she had here.

"You're miles away Carol love. Are you alright?" John asked tenderly. If he only knew, thought Carol, just how far away she was in her mind.  
"John, Lisa really loves you, you know that?"  
Surprised, John nodded. "She's a great girl Carol. You've done a wonderful job with her. I love her too. She feels like my family."  
"Then...if anything happens..." Carol hesitated for a moment. "If anything happens to me you will look after her won't you John?"  
Horrified, John gasped. "What do you mean? Nothing is going to happen to you Carol. You're safe here. Please, tell me you're not planning anything? Please Carol."  
Carol lowered her head. She couldn't look at John. She just knew that she didn't deserve him.  
"Carol!" barked John, "You're really scaring me now. Please. Lisa and I, we both love you and we need you here with us." He stood up and moved towards Carol. His voice softened. "What's going on Carol? You know you can tell me anything don't you?"  
Carol sprang up. "But that's just it John, I can't! I can't tell you everything. If I do you'll want nothing more to do with me... just like him! " Carol froze and sank back down onto the chair. John took her hand. "I'm not him. I'm not Andrew. I won't leave you Carol. Not if you don't want me to. All I want is to be here with you and Lisa and make this work. Please. Trust me."  
With those last words the wall in Carol broke and the floodgates opened. She knew she could trust John. He had never let her down. She put her head on her arms on the table and sobbed. John put his arm around her and Carol fell into him. He held her tight and rocked her as she sobbed. Slowly she began to calm. Words weren't his strong point and he had nothing left to say so he continued to hold her. Eventually the sobbing subsided. "John..." Carol began, and with that the door burst open and there stood Lisa.

"What's going on here then?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to bring Carol into it a bit more.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost didn't post any more of this story. I've been exploring it in my head for so long. .. ever since I first saw the series really, trying to work out not so much what I wished for John Standring but what I thought was most likely to have happened. I've thought many times about writing it but was inspired by Tauriel777 coming back to the subject. I love her upbeat story and the new relationship forming and am really aware this story is bleaker and grimmer. I suspect it isn't really what people want to read so I feel like maybe I should just write it for myself! Anyway here's the next little bit in case anyone is still reading my miserable epilogue!

John jumped to his feet. "Lisa love, how was your day? he asked, trying to deflect her attention from Carol.  
"School was crap as ever but not as bad as whatever's going on here by looks of things". Lisa walked in front of Carol. Seeing her tearstained face Lisa's bravado crumbled.  
"It's nowt Lisa. I just ..." Carol had no more words. How could she explain how she was feeling when so much of it involved Lisa?  
Once again it was John who came to her rescue. "She's grieving, Lisa." he explained. She's lost someone she grew up with. And it brings everything back... her dad and her mum. Sometimes it comes over you like a wave..." his voice tailed off and both Lisa and Carol stared at him, hit by the realisation that he too, grieved. It wasn't so long since he had lost his grandad and nobody had given him much sympathy for that. Carol knew that she owed John. That if she was really going to be the good wife she once promised him she would be she had to take into account his feelings too. She wasn't used to that. She was used to looking after herself and Lisa and keeping them both safe from the rest of the world. She didn't know if she could actually let John in, and take a step into his world.

"Well," pronounced Lisa, "I'm glad he's gone. He announced he were me dad and then he buggered off. He should a stayed around for me and his baby if nowt else. He were nowt but selfish. What was so bad that it was worth doing that for eh? 

Carol jumped up. "Shut up Lisa!" she shouted. "Ye don't know nowt about it. Shut up!"

"Well if I don't know nowt about it whose fault is that then?" Lisa shouted back. "You're the one always keeping secrets!"  
Carol slumped back in the chair. She knew it was true but she couldn't take the accusation from Lisa. Mercifully once more John stepped in. "Lisa I think you need to go to your room and do your homework. We can all calm down and I'll cook us a nice tea then we can watch telly together. There's a film on tonight. Let's do that. But for now love, go and have a break, do your homework and calm down."

There was no way Lisa would have taken this from anyone else. But John... she knew he was kind and she was sure he loved her. "Ok," she agreed with a scowl and marched off up to her room.

"Thank you, John," whispered Carol.  
"We're not finished Carol," John replied. "Lisa's right about you and your secrets. It's time to tell me Carol. Whatever it is I will try to understand." He took her hand and shuffled his chair nearer. "Go on."

Carol stared at him for a moment. She knew this was the crunch time. She could refuse. He wouldn't force her. But if she did she was shutting a door on him, probably for ever. And if she told him... what if it was too much and he shut the door on her? She wasn't sure either she or Lisa could take that after how far they'd come and how much they'd lost.

With a nervous cough Carol began to speak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would love your views if you've read this far. I can take it if people generally don't want to read any more bleakness. I do hope things will lighten for John soon!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The truth will out.

"It's about Lisa, John," whispered Carol. "She's not Andrew's at all."  
"So... there was... someone else?" John's brain was racing. Carol was a child herself when she had Lisa and he had assumed she was just so bowled over by Andrew. Yet now she was telling him that as well as Andrew there was somebody else. How could that be? He stared at her, confused.  
"Not exactly. Not like you think." Carol dropped her head and stared at John's hand holding hers. "It was me dad," she mumbled.  
John couldn't believe his ears. He tried to make sense of what she was saying. It was her dad? What was her dad? Had he had an affair with someone and ended up with Lisa? Was that why Carol's mum had gone? But why was Lisa with Carol? So many thoughts raced through his head and none of them made any sense. And none of them were as bad as the truth which came next.  
"When me mam left he used to ... come to me. He wanted me to do stuff. Wanted to do stuff with me." Carol looked at John in panic. "I couldn't stop him. I were only 12 and he were me dad. And it kept happening. I hated it. I hated him. That's when I started to spend more time with Andrew up at the ruins. If I was out, up there with him, me dad couldn't do anything. But he did. When i got home sometimes he'd be drunk and waiting for me. Then I started to feel different. My periods had only just started and then they stopped. Me mam wasn't there and there was nobody else to talk to. I thought maybe that was normal. Then I started to put on weight. Me jeans wouldn't do up. I just wore leggings and a big jumper and thought I was eating too much. Then one night when dad came to me he saw my belly. He knew right away that I was pregnant. Only he blamed Andrew. He was so mad with me. He called me a slut and everything, said I was giving it away for free to Andrew and I was too young. He said I was just like me mam and she'd done the same. Not once did he seem to remember that he had done anything wrong."  
Carol stopped suddenly. The floodgates had opened and she had spilled everything out but now panicked. She stopped and didn't know where to go next.  
John was aghast. "Carol love I'm so sorry." He grabbed her and pulled her to him. "I'm so sorry you went through all that. I had no idea he was doing that to you." John stood up angrily. "I'd have killed him if I'd known." He walked to the window and looked out. "But... how can you be so sure Lisa isn't Andrew's?" he asked hesitantly.  
"Because me and Andrew, we never. .. I couldn't... not after me dad..." Carol's small voice broke. John spun round to face her.  
"I'm so, so sorry," he cried out. "I didn't know." He pulled her to him again and stood there holding her. She sobbed into his chest. "But Carol, you said Andrew ran off when he found out?"  
Carol nodded. "We were going to run away and get married. It was going to be a new start. But his dad found out. He were me doctor and he knew all about Lisa. And he told Andrew. That were it. Andrew didn't come. He left me waiting for him. He couldn't face it. He always thought that I wouldn't sleep with him cos I wasn't ready and I wanted to be a virgin when we got married or summat romantic like that. Once he found out I wasn't a virgin and that me dad had done it he were disgusted. With me."  
"But Carol it wasn't your fault!" John couldn't believe how much she had been through.  
"It must have been my fault!" she shouted back at him. "It must have been. He said it was. He said I teased him and I had to make up for me mam not being there."  
"But it wasn't true!" John was beyond furious. How much more could that man have done to Carol, his own daughter? He grabbed her by the shoulders. "Look at me Carol. It was NOT your fault. It was him. The bastard. I'd honestly have killed him if I'd known what were going on."  
Again Carol sobbed into John's chest.  
A thought crossed John's mind. "Carol, that time in the pub. .. when you took me off in the van... I would have been your first then, apart from your dad. .. if I'd actually, you know... managed it?"  
Carol nodded. "Our wedding night John, that was the first time I ever went so far with anyone apart from... him."  
"If I'd known I wouldn't have asked it of you, Carol. If you'd told me..."  
"But we were married John. I knew it was part of the deal."  
"The deal?!" John gasped. "I don't want a deal. You've been forced and manipulated all the way. I don't want to have sex with you as part of a deal. Not any more. I won't touch you again Carol. Not unless one day you want it too. I don't want to be like ... him." John felt disgusted with himself.  
Carol stared at him wide eyed.  
"You're nothing like him, John" she murmured. "You've always treated me so nicely. You're the only person who has always been so nice to me. Even when I've not been very nice to you. Don't run away from me now. Not like Andrew did."  
"Carol I'm not running away from you. I'm not leaving you," John declared. "You know I've always..." he stumbled over the words. "I've always loved you. This doesn't change anything. I still do. Let me help you Carol. Let me help you with all of this."  
Slowly she nodded to him. Looking up at him she saw such warmth and tenderness in his face. Tears rolled down her face again. "I don't deserve you, John. I never have. You're too good. Too good for me."  
"I'm not a saint," he replied. "But I will always treat you right. I promise."  
"I believe you, John. I know you mean it. And I'm so fond of you. I can't say any more than that." she shook her head sadly.  
"That's enough for me," John smiled at her. "I'm just glad to have you. And I'm very glad you've told me. Let me help you. Please?" Carol nodded and smiled weakly at him. "And now why don't you go and have a bath? Relax. I'll cook tea and when you and Lisa are both done we can eat."  
Carol agreed and headed for the stairs. Both of them knew they'd hit a wall and yet somehow had got over it. And both knew that there was a light ahead and hope for each of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After all this emotion it would be so lovely to imagine a happy ever after but we just know that there's a long way to go don't we?


	7. Chapter 7

And so, after the secrets and emotions had all been exposed, life at Sparkhouse settled back into routine. John and Carol continued their work on the farm and in the house while Lisa continued at school, oblivious to the revelations which had spilled out concerning her. John kept his word and although it pained and frustrated him he didn't touch Carol. They shared a bedroom and a bed but he clung to his own side for fear of going back on his word and hurting her. For her part however there was definitely a softening. John had heard the worst and was still there. Slowly the memories of the past faded back into their box and the day to day routines filled their thoughts. 

By summer the house was finished. It would never be a grand palace but repairs were completed and decorating done. It no longer resembled the bleak shack it had been since Carol's mum left but a cosy cottage. The farm was running as smoothly as possible with little hiccups and bumps along the way. It was Lisa who upset the fragile peace at the dinner table one evening. The three members of their little family were tucking in to pie and veg when she piped up "So, no baby news yet then?" Carol stared at her in confusion while John's mind leapt back to the conversation he had with Lisa weeks before.  
"Lisa..." he started in a warning voice.  
"What do you mean baby news?" Carol asked. "Who's having a baby?"  
Lisa laughed. "Well, you and John, aren't ya?" The penny dropped and she turned to John. "You haven't talked about it with her, have you?" John shook his head. Carol looked at him open mouthed. "Good thing you've got me here to help you along then!" Lisa trilled triumphantly. "He wants a baby with ya. Probably cos I've turned out so well. He wants another one just like me!"  
"Shut up, Lisa" hissed John. "Shut up!" Foremost in his mind was his promise not to touch Carol until she wanted it. Of course his fear was that after all that had happened to her she would never want it, but he wasn't a man to go back on his word.  
"What's she talking about, John? Have you two been discussing this? Have yer been talking about me?" Carol was stunned.  
"She just asked me one day. Asked if we were going to have a baby cos that's what married couples do." The words came out with resignation, reminding John that despite their daily domesticity they didn't do what married couples do.  
"And what did you say?" she asked.  
"I just said maybe."  
"He did, Carol. Don't be mad at him. It were all me. I just want things to be normal here. Just want you both to be happy and to have what other people have. You won't have me living here with you forever you know."  
Carol felt her initial spark of anger subside. "Is that what you want John?" she asked quietly. "Do you want us to have a baby?"  
John hesitated. With all his heart he wanted to have children. It had been one of his burning questions when Carol first asked him to marry her. He had always thought that if he got married he would have children. After so many years of quiet he longed to be part of something bigger - his own family. What he had with Carol and Lisa was greater than he had known before but he wanted more. And yet he still felt the fragility of his relationship with Carol and the lack of intimacy between them. He was about to shrug off the idea but something stopped him. He thought back to how open and honest Carol had been with him about her past and how he had encouraged her to tell him things. He knew if they were going to continue moving forward he had to be honest with her.  
"Yes." He spoke sp quietly neither Carol nor Lisa were sure of what he said and both leaned closer. "Yes I do." he repeated a little more boldly. "For so long I've had nobody else. Just me and me grandad and then he went. I've always wanted me own family. Yes I do want a baby. More than one. And I'd like it with you." He shyly lifted his eyes to Carol. She was staring at him and gasped as she caught his look. "But you've got us now. Me and Lisa. You're not on your own."  
John sank back. How could he explain it without hurting these two people who he loved? It wasn't enough because at any point they could up and go. Lisa was growing up and would head off and find her own way in a few years. Carol... who knew? John hoped beyond hope that she would stay with him and love him but he wasn't enough of an optimist to bank on that. He wanted children who he could father in every sense of the word. But did he want to bring them into this fragile home?  
"I can't help it Carol," he started. "I just want a busy, lively home. I'm sick of the quiet I've had all me life. I want kids to play on the farm. I could build them a climbing frame and a slide and ... and ... maybe a goalpost or a play house."  
Carol could see it. In her mind's eye she could see what John was longing for. She felt it too, suddenly. Or perhaps she had always felt it but had pushed it down, believing it wasn't possible for someone like her. "I... I want it too John." He stared at her. "You do?" Carol nodded.  
"I want a place that feels like home. Where there's a mam and dad who aren't shouting and aren't ..." Her voice tailed off and she stared down at the table. John reached out to her and took her hand. He was about to speak when he caught Lisa's eye. She stood up. "I'm gonna leave you two to sort out the finer details of our future!" she announced. "Can you drop me round to Becky's, John? She asked me to go round tonight."  
"Aye love, but I'm coming for you at 10. I don't want you out too late." He picked up his keys and got up. "Carol I'll be right back." He was afraid she would go somewhere or hide away from the rest of this conversation.  
"I'll be here," Carol smiled. "I'll be right here."


	8. Chapter 8

Once John had left to take Lisa to her friend's Carol carried the dishes to the sink and began to wash up. The view from the window behind the sink was of the farm yard and beyond it the hill and ruin. Staring ahead as she scrubbed the pie dish Carol was lost in thoughts and memories. "A baby?" she mumbled to herself, shaking her head. She hadn't seen that one coming. Yes, John had asked about children when she first proposed, and yes, she had agreed there would be children... eventually. But recent events had overtaken her and frankly even back then she had hoped he would forget the idea and be busy enough running the farm. 

Carol knew she could just say no. It was her body, her choice. She never had to have sex again if she didn't want to and she certainly didn't have to have a baby. And if that made things awkward then she could up and leave. No worries. She could go right now and pack. She'd done it before and this time she wouldn't have anyone else to look after. Lisa would be alright here with John. More than alright. She'd be really fine. Suddenly Carol knew what she had to do. She would go. She put down the tea towel and headed for the stairs. She could pack and leave before Lisa came home that night. Somehow maybe things would be even better at the farm without her and all her baggage and emotions. Once upstairs Carol dragged out her holdall and sat with it on the bed as her thoughts continued. What would John do? Maybe he could meet someone else. He had a lot to offer now with the farm and the house, to say nothing of the makeover he had in preparation for theor wedding. Maybe some woman from the village would move in and look after John and Lisa. A picture flashed into her mind of the buxom blonde barmaid from the pub with John, making him laugh, cooking him dinner, cuddling up close to him. The picture continued to the woman carrying John's child. A stab of unexpected jealousy pierced her chest. Suddenly in that moment Carol knew. She had come a long way since marrying John and it was all thanks to his kindness and patience with her, and she had to admit it, his love. In that moment she knew she loved him and wouldn't be going anywhere. And if he wanted children then she would be the one to have them. The picture in her mind changed to one of John with a couple of small children playing in the yard next to the house, climbing a frame built by his own hands. She could picture Lisa with them, laughing. And herself? Could she be part of this? John had said he wanted more than one baby... and he wanted them with her. Suddenly in her mind she saw herself walking into the yard with a basket of drinks and snacks. Yes! Yes she could be part of this imagined idyll. She could make it happen with John! Jumping to her feet Carol grabbed the holdall and was about to put it back in the cupboard when the door burst open and John came in. Immediately he saw the holdall in her hand.  
"Carol! What the hell are you doing?" he shouted. But he had already put two and two together and made five. With a flash of fire in his face he grabbed the holdall. "You're leaving me?" his voice cracked and he stumbled to the bed.

In horror Carol stared at him. He slumped onto the bed and put his face in his hands. The silence was thick between them as Carol stood immobile before him. A million words ran through her head. How could she explain her thought processes to John? He looked totally broken before her and she knew she had to do something. She sat next to him on the bed and reached for his hand.  
"No John. I'm not leaving you," she whispered. He turned his face to hers and as he raised his bright blue eyes to her Carol's heart swelled with love. "I'm here to stay, John". And she knew with all her heart it was true.


	9. Chapter 9

Sitting next to John, holding his hand and looking into his deep blue eyes Carol felt nervous and shy.  
"John, I panicked when Lisa talked about a baby. You know everything now about me. You know about me dad and Lisa. I panicked at the thought of things being how they were then... that maybe you'd force me like he did, and that you'd be mad at me if I did get pregnant."  
"I'm not him, Carol" John whispered. "I'd never force you to do anything. I never forced you to have sex with me, did I?" He had kept true to his word and not touched Carol since her revelation about her dad. Carol shook her head. "I love you Carol. I want to be your husband properly and I want us to have children. Is that so wrong?" He was almost pleading with her now.  
"John I am so scared. But I. .." Carol hesitated. Could she admit her growing feelings towards him and that she had felt jealous when she imagined him with someone else? Could she admit that she too wanted that ordinary marriage and ordinary family. Those things which came so easily to other people.  
"We don't have to rush, Carol love. We can take our time. Try and build things up together. See how you feel as time goes on." John, for all his own hang ups and social awkwardness was a kind and patient man, and Carol knew it.  
"I'd like that, John. I'd like to see what happens. But that means things have to change. You promised not to touch me again until I wanted you to, didn't you?" John nodded, his hopes starting to rise that perhaps things could change. "Well I do want you to touch me. You're a good man John. And you're bloody good looking too you know?"  
John laughed out loud at this idea. Him? Good looking? He'd always been the gawky one in untrendy clothes. "I mean it," Carol continued, feeling an unusual boldness. "That day we got your suit and you had your hair cut and everything, I wasn't the only woman taking notice of you, you know? And besides, with all that hard work on t'farm you're as fit as anything!"  
John laughed in embarrassment. "You're just teasing me!" he declared, but inside he felt a flutter of excitement. Carol had never said anything so complimentary to him. Could she really mean what she was saying?  
"I'm not teasing you, John. It's true." Nervously the two mixed up, confused people looked at each other. They both knew they were on the brink of a big step, and they both knew they wanted to take that step. John reached out and put his hand on Carol's cheek.  
"You know I'd do anything for you, don't you?" he asked her tentatively. She nodded. Feeling her courage grow she leant forward and kissed him on the lips. It was just a quick, chaste peck but it was a beginning, and John knew it had come from Carol's heart. Maybe he was on the right track to winning her love after all. He leant his head towards her, hesitantly, afraid of breaking the fragile warmth between them. As he slowly moved to kiss her Carol suddenly reached out her hands and put them on the sides of his head. Although she had never slept with Andrew they had done a lot of kissing and it dawned on her that she was comfortable with that first step. "What are ye waiting for, John?" and she pressed her lips against his. For a second John couldn't breathe but then his heart soared and he realised what she was doing. She was actually snogging him, he thought to himself. Snogging? Does anyone still use that word? he began to wonder before the kissing became more passionate and all lucid thoughts left his head. He kissed her back and she felt his arms go round her back, pulling her closer to him. She put her arms around his neck and shuffled up against him. The kissing went on with both of them pressed close, feeling the heat and nearness.  
After a few moments it was John who broke free. "Carol, that was amazing," he murmured breathlessly. "But I'm not sure how long I can control myself if we carry on like that."  
Carol stared at him, feeling her heart beat rapidly and her cheeks burn. "It was amazing," she responded quietly. Suddenly she felt shy. She was beginning to feel things for John she had never expected to. She had always known he was a good man and so dependable, who previously she'd found dull and boring. More and more she was learning to appreciate the value of such a man compared to the immature and egotistical nature of Andrew. Then on the day of his makeover she had seen him in a new light and began to appreciate how good looking he was once his old curly mop had gone and she still remembered how light and lovely he had looked as he smiled at her that day. Once they were married she had got glimpses of his body as they had shared a bedroom and a bed but when they had sex she had always turned the light out in shame. Now, sitting close to him, having experienced the heat of kissing him, Carol felt long - repressed desire well up deep inside her. "What if I don't want you to control yourself any more?" she asked in a small voice.  
John gasped. "Don't! Don't say that if you don't mean it Carol, please." He hardly dared believe what she had said. Carol put her hand on his arm. "I'm scared. I don't know what to do," she said. "But I do know that you're the best man I've met and I'm not letting go. If you help me John we can make it work."  
John's heart rose. "Carol that's all I've ever wanted to hear." He hugged her close, relief and excitement running through his body.  
Carol pulled back and looked at her watch. "You know we've got two hours before you told Lisa you'd be picking her up?" John nodded, not getting the point of what she was saying and looking blank. "So... we have the place to ourselves until then!" Carol spelled it out and watched John's face as the penny dropped.  
"You mean now? " he asked, almost choking on the words. "We can start now?"  
Carol nodded and moved in to kiss him again. Despite their weeks of married life and their fumbles in the dark suddenly it felt like the first time for both of them. Gingerly they reached out to each other and slowly removed each other's clothing. As they tumbled naked into the bed together, both filled with hope and anticipation, John and Carol knew that at last they had found a good thing. There were no guarantees of a smooth ride but at last they both knew that they could make the journey together.


	10. Chapter 10

The blossoming warmth between John and Carol gave both of them a fresh start. Neither had ever known such a peaceful, happy time. Lisa flitted in and out between friends and school and for the first time in her life she actually wanted to invite people back to the house. The bleak chaos they had once lived in had gone, to be replaced with simple order and comfort. John gave both girls a stability and love that was new to them and from which they grew in confidence. In turn the two of them gave him joy and company. After spending most of his time with his grandad, then alone once the old man had passed, he was bowled over by the noise and chatter in his little family. At times he would come back from working on the farm to find a gaggle of girls on the sofa with Lisa, having raided the biscuit barrel and bread bin. He loved the busyness but at times missed the calm quiet of his old little house. At these times he hung in there until bedtime when he knew he would be on his own with Carol. She had opened up to him in the bedroom in a way that neither would ever have believed possible and their loving gave them both strength. 

Of course strength wasn't all it gave them and before long Carol started to feel rough, waves of nausea washing over her in the mornings as she tried to get out of bed. At first she ignored the symptoms but John knew her well. One afternoon when Lisa was at school and he was home alone with Carol he grabbed his opportunity.  
"How long is it, Carol? Since your last period?" Used to observing the cycles of his animals and discussing them with vets and farm hands, this subject held no embarrassment for John. 

"I...I... I don't know!" spluttered Carol. "I can't remember. Must have been a couple of weeks." She stared out of the window trying to find a date. "I know... it were the day we went to market and got them new bottles for lambs."  
John looked at the calendar hanging on the kitchen wall, the one with funny pictures of cats in hats. "Love, that was two months ago! Haven't you had anything in all that time?"

Carol shook her head. When they were first married she had made sure John used a condom. At that time she was desperate not to fall pregnant again. Then they had their hiatus where all thoughts of contraception went out of the window. Funnily enough neither party thought about it once they had started to sleep together again. The pleasure and fun of exploring each other was their only focus.  
Still the idea of actually being pregnant came as a shock to Carol. "I can't be..." she muttered. "I...I...I'm not ready!" She caught John's eye and saw such hope and happiness that her panic began to subside.  
"I'm not sure anyone ever is really ready for a baby, Carol. But I guess that's why human pregnancies last so long - just to give you time to come round to the idea!" He smiled warmly at his wife. Part of him was nervous too. He'd had no experience of babies and didn't know what to expect but he loved Carol and felt a strange mixture of relief and joy that she might be carrying his child.

"I'll pop into town this afternoon. I can get one of them tests and we can give it a go before Lisa gets home from school. Best keep it quiet from her for now or she will be so excited she will want to stay home till she knows for sure!"  
Carol gave a weak laugh. John took her hand. "I know it's scary for you, love," he said to her, "But it will be different this time. I promise you that. You'll have me with you. And Lisa will go mad. She'll be convinced it were her idea and go on about it for weeks!"  
This made Carol smile. Maybe it would be ok. Without her dad, without the shame and secrecy this time it really would be different. She nodded her head. "Go on then. Crack on John or you won't get it all done before chemist shuts!" He gave Carol a hug. "Bloody slave driver!" he said, laughing before he pulled on his overalls and got to work. Yes this time would be different and he'd make sure of it

Early afternoon John returned from town with a small paper bag under his arm. Carol was sitting at the kitchen table waiting. "Here it is then, love." and passed it to her with a shy smile.  
Carol gripped the packet, hardly daring to move. "What do I do with it then?" she asked. "I didn't have one last time. By the time I thought about being pregnant it were bloody obvious and doctor did it all."  
"Well I read the back and you just have to kind of pee on it." John took the bag back from her and dropped its content on the table. He picked up the box and carefully opened it as if it was a precious gift at Christmas. Finally he pulled out the little plastic stick. Both of them stared at it for a moment. "Go on then love. I'll wait here."  
Carol stared at him. "On me own?"  
"Well I can hardly come in t'loo with ya can I?" He smiled. "Look, it's ok. Whatever the stick says is ok."  
She stood gingerly and went to the little bathroom by the back door. After what felt to John like hours as he sat waiting at the table, barely able to breathe, Carol emerged holding the stick.  
"Well love, what does it say?" John's calm voice hid his battering heart.  
"I don't know. I daren't look!"  
"Give it here then." He reached his hand out to her and she blindly held the stick out to him. There was a moment's silence and then his face broke into a huge grin. "Positive. It's positive." He looked up at Carol, his face full of happiness. Her initial shot of fear melted as she saw his reaction. "Well bloody hell! Who'd have thought it?" she replied with a small smile. He stepped closer go her and pulled her to him in a warm hug. "You know what, Carol? We shouldn't really be surprised. We've been at it like rabbits for the last couple of months and we both know how nature works!" she swatted him playfully and in that moment they both knew it was going to be fine.  
"When are we going to tell Lisa then?" Carol asked.  
"Best be sooner rather than later, I guess," John replied, "cos I will be rubbish at keeping this secret!"  
Carol nodded happily. "Can we just keep it to ourselves for a couple of days though? " she asked. "I just want some time to get used to the idea between me and you."  
"Of course, love. We can think about telling her in a few days when you're ready. Best make an appointment at surgery with that new doctor though. See what he says."

A few days later, after booking in with the midwife at the surgery and having some time to get used to the idea, Carol was finally ready to tell Lisa their news. Predictably she was over the moon and announced it had been her idea all along. The date was booked for a first scan and the midwife visited to fill out the forms and check on Carol. John's joy at seeing his child on the scan was infectious and brushed away any last doubt in Carol's mind. For each member of this growing family the future was finally filled with hope.


	11. Chapter 11

The next few months passed in a flurry of work on the farm and of course baby preparation. A bedroom was painted and smartened up ready for a new little occupant and appointments with the midwife and hospital were kept. Carol, who had always kept herself to herself, began to find that she was a little more open to people around her. As always when a pregnancy starts to show people would smile and comment. Where the old Carol might have snapped some sarcastic comment or told them to mind their own business, the new loved and loving Carol felt a sense of pride which she wanted to share. At John's insistence they signed up for antenatal classes even though Carol insisted she didn't need or want them.   
"But I do, Carol love," he stated gently. "This is my first baby and I want us to get it all right." He would never admit this to Carol but he also hoped that she might make a friend in the group, someone in a similar situation who she might get to know and spend some time with when she couldn't do any more farm work. 

The first meeting was on a Thursday evening in the church hall. Four couples and one woman on her own sat nervously in a circle on the hard plastic chairs. Sally, the bright and bubbly earth mother type leading the group chirruped positively through introductions. She asked everyone to say their names and a little about themselves. Two of the couples were young professionals, all commuting to Leeds for work and relatively new to the area. John recognised the husband of the other couple from the pub in their village and they nodded to each other. The woman on her own gave her name as Kate and explained that her husband was working away and couldn't make it. Gradually as the evening wore on the atmosphere warmed and the parents-to-be listened and asked their questions. At various points Carol found herself catching Kate's eye as one or other of the young professionals asked Sally's views on things they'd been reading about and expressed strong opinions on the kind of birth they wanted.   
"What about you, Kate?" Sally asked. "Are you thinking of a home birth?"   
Kate winked at Carol. "No I'm bloody not! " she exclaimed. "Why would I want to do it all meself when I can go into hospital and be looked after for a change?"  
Carol laughed out loud while the others in the room stared at Kate, not sure whether to take her seriously. At that moment Carol felt a warmth towards the young woman.   
"And you Carol? How are you feeling about the happy event?" asked Sally.  
"Happy event?" Carol retorted. "If it's anything like our lass's birth with midwives treating me like a kid I'll be walking out and giving birth in the street!" This time Kate laughed while the others gasped and John blushed. 

 

At the end of the session the young professionals crowded round Sally to continue their discussions. The bloke from the pub came over to shake hands with John and being more outgoing than him made conversation about pints and people from the pub. Carol was left facing the bloke's wife, whose name was Ellen, trying to think of something to say when Kate breezed over.   
"Blimey, it all gets a bit real when you come to summat like this, eh?" she commented. "But sounds like we've got an expert in our midst cos you've done it all before." She nodded at Carol.   
"Aye well it were a long time ago, and I think I've blotted it all out of my memory," Carol replied. She didn't really want to get into conversation about Lisa's birth right now and was beginning to regret her sharp response to Sally in the group.   
"My mam had four kids," said Ellen. "She says it's the most natural thing in the world and she can't work out why so many women make a fuss. But that doesn't stop me being scared senseless!" The three women laughed. Carol looked around her, standing making conversation with two strangers while John stood actually chatting with the bloke. A strange sense of normality washed over her and for a moment she felt really warm inside. She'd never been one to make friends easily and had always felt like an outsider. It was odd but nice to have something in common with these people who knew nothing about her history.  
John turned to her and putting his arm around his shoulder he smiled at the other women. "Come on then, Carol love. Time to get you home." She felt a new sense of pride as this tall, handsome man took charge and she nodded. Saying their goodbyes until the next meeting they headed for home. 

John too had felt something new this evening. Being part of a group, all in the same boat facing one of life's biggest events and all starting with a clean slate, he could feel he was coming out of himself a little. Life had certainly taken a turn he hadn't expected and he felt a spring in his step as he left the hall with his arm around his wife.


	12. Chapter 12

Over the next few weeks John and Carol attended every session of the antenatal class. Each week John felt his excitement grow, knowing that before long they'd be putting everything Sally spoke about into practice.  And each week Carol felt her anxiety rise for exactly the same reason. The group of soon-to-be parents became more relaxed with each other as nervous jokes were made and questions were asked at each session.  Finally they reached the last week of the course. Phone numbers were swapped and promises to get in touch once the babies started to arrive.  Carol found herself standing with Ellen and Kate once more in the car park, while John and his new mate, Steve, stood chatting. 

"Well," said Kate, "What are you all going to do on a Wednesday night now that's over?"

"Probably go back to watching telly with a jumbo packet of crisps and a cup or cocoa, what about you?" answered Carol.

"I reckon we should meet up. Let's go to the pub and swap stories of pregnancy related indigestion and sleepless nights eh?"

Ellen and Carol agreed and so the plan was made to meet in the pub that John and Steve knew each other from. "I could do with you guys reminding me it's all ok when my mum still expects me to drop the baby and get back to the housework within an hour!" Ellen commented. "And I need a night out from John fussing over me like I was one of his expectant sheep!" said Carol. "And you'll all get to meet my husband at last," said Kate. "He's back from his work trip this weekend." Everyone went their sep ways glad to have made friends with people in the same boat. 

 

So it was, exactly a week later, the five of them rolled up at the pub, the women a little bit rounder and the men a little bit prouder.  The week in between for John and Carol had been tense. As the due date for their baby drew closer Carol's anxiety was tangible.  John had tried to calm her but each time she had batted him away telling him he had no idea what it was like. Finally after a week of trying softly to look after her every need and make things better John started to despair. Even Lisa was staying out of her way.

"Carol I have no idea what to do," he said in a small voice. Despite the improvements in their relationship over recent months he still knew that she held the upper hand.  He so much wanted the coming baby to bring them both joy, and deep down he was hoping it would mean some kind of closure on the past. He longed for it to replace the memories of what had happened with Lisa's conception and birth so long ago with fresh, happier memories.

"You've done quite enough, don't you think?" was Carol's only reply. "It's all your fault I'm in this state!"

John was churned up. He had read about pregnancy hormones and raging emotions but had naively thought he could help Carol through and all would be well. He was beginning to wonder.

Carol too was trying to work out what was going on. Objectively she could look at John and see a kind, hardworking man who loved her and would always look after their baby. And yet she felt inexplicable anger towards him. He had wanted this baby. She had been so unsure and yet it had happened anyway and now she was the one about to go through the birth and bringing up the baby. John swore he would be with her all the way. But would he? All she could remember was how scared and alone she had been all those years ago.

Heading into the pub Carol felt brighter than she had all week. Nobody from the group knew anything about her past. They could just chat about the things they were going through now with no baggage. When they got to the bar Ellen and Steve were already there and had found a table. Carol joined Ellen at the table while the men went to the bar. They swapped general chit chat until the door opened and Kate appeared with a man in tow.

"This is Mike, my other half!" declared Kate, introducing the man who had been missing from all of their antenatal classes. Everyone nodded and started to introduce themselves with shaking of hands and announcing of names. But as Mike got to Carol and took her hand he studied her face. "I know you, Carol Boulton! I'd recognise that face anywhere!".

Carol gasped. Who was he? As she looked more closely the penny dropped. He had been Andrew's mate from school! Panic rose inside her and she started to feel sick. She couldn't bear for any link to the past to come and threaten the peace and warmth she had felt in her new friendships. She looked over to John who stood in silence, a pained look on his face. Pulling herself together as much as her emotions would allow she nodded to Mike. "It's been a few years eh?" 

The others at the table could feel the awkwardness and it was Steve who eventually broke it with the offer of buying the latecomers a drink. He headed off to the bar in relief.  
"So," Kate asked of her husband, "how do you two know each other? Are you old flames I didn't know about or something?"  
John could feel himself bristle and was painfully aware of Carol hunched up on her seat uncomfortably.  
"Nah, not me and Carol!" laughed Mike. "It were her and my old mate Andrew. They were joined at the hip for years. In fact... " Mike stopped. He had remembered the rumours. Everyone had been shocked when Carol had been unable to hide the baby bump and of course everyone knew she had been inseparable from Andrew. Looking around him at the different faces of the assembled group he paused. Carol looked anxious, Kate and Ellen looked curious but John looked like he could punch his lights out at the first false move. Quickly Mike gathered himself. He didn't really know what had gone on but he wasn't going to be the one to open the history books.  
"In fact?" prompted Kate. Mike looked at her quizzically. "You said in fact and then stopped," she reminded him.  
"Ah yes. I was going to say in fact I remember Andrew's dad were our doctor. All a long time ago as you say, Carol. So.... enough raking up the past. What did I miss at these party nights down at the church hall then?"  
The conversation turned to funny stories from the antenatal classes and the atmosphere thawed. Even John relaxed and joined in a bit. Carol was grateful to Mike for not dwelling on the subject of Andrew and her surprise pregnancy but it still acted as a sharp reminder that the past was never far away and left her feeling on edge. The evening drew to a close without further excitement and as the group broke up to go their separate ways for the evening it dawned on her that all that was important to her was what was happening now... her little, growing family which of course included Lisa, her handsome, loving husband who deserved a this chance of parenthood and his own family, and soon the baby they were about to meet. Nothing was the same as her first pregnancy. She didn't have to keep this baby or its parentage secret. Nobody was ashamed of her or pointing the finger. In fact this little one was something to celebrate, like a new start, and at last Carol felt joy rising.


	13. Chapter 13

John worked hard in the last few weeks before the baby due date to get everything ready. Lisa helped as much as she could and they soon got the nursery painted and filled with things for the baby. A shiny new cot stood in the corner and a little chest of drawers that doubled as a changing table stood next to it. Lisa had spent some of her own pocket money on a colourful butterfly mobile to hang above the bed and one of the ladies in the village stopped by with a bag of baby clothes that her youngest had grown out of. Everything was in place, waiting for the new arrival. 

John loved every moment of the preparation. All those years of being on his own with just his grandad for company were over. He loved the chatter between Lisa and Carol and thrived on having people at home to look after. For so long he had loved Carol from afar and could hardly believe that now he lived with her, in in fact was married to her and was about to meet their first baby. On top of that he had such a lovely relationship with his step daughter who adored him. He honestly felt like all his Christmases had come at once. Of course he still longed for Carol to love him as he loved her but he knew she respected him and even cared for him. For now that was enough. 

For Carol's part she still felt that strange mix of excitement and fear that had been known by every generation of women since time began. Excitement at meeting her new baby and fear of the practical reality of it all. She was nervous of the birth and also of looking after the baby. Of course in Carol's case this was deepened by the memories of what had happened 13 years before, with her first pregnancy and Lisa's birth. At times she couldn't help herself from going back to when she first understood what was happening to her, and to her dad's angry reaction. There were still times when she half expected some kind of disapproval from John. Then she would catch a glimpse of him looking at her, so happy, or spot him coming in to the house with something else new for the baby and she would be shaken from her trip down memory's horrible lane. He would stick by her, wouldn't he? He would be a good father to this baby. He had already shown potential in his relationship with Lisa and Carol knew that she adored him. 

In this final stage of the pregnancy Carol was exhausted. She took to going to bed really early, knowing that she would be awake lots in the night anyway. One evening she was sitting on the sofa, curled up next to John while Lisa was at her mate's. "You're exhausted love, " said John. "Why don't you go up now and get some sleep?" Carol nodded. She barely had the energy to lift herself off the sofa. "I'll wait up for Lisa," he added, "and come up once she's safely home." With that he gave Carol a peck on top of her head and steered her to the stairs. She got into bed and was asleep before her head hit the pillow. Sometimes Carol's sleep was peaceful, knowing she was being looked after and that everything would be alright. At other times it was disturbed by flashbacks and dreams of another time when she didn't feel so safe. She couldn't wait for this baby to be born and to move onto the next stage, hopefully leaving the ghosts of the past behind. Unfortunately tonight was one of those troubled nights. Dreams of her dad haunted her, and panic over the baby filled her heart. She woke in a sweat with no idea what time it was. She was only aware that John wasn't in the bed yet. After a few moments to properly wake up Carol decided to go downstairs, get a drink and find John. He always made her feel a little bit better.

Padding down the stairs in her dressing gown Carol looked into the lounge to see John sitting on the sofa watching TV. But next to him, curled up and leaning into him just as she had been earlier this evening, was someone else. John had his arm around her and was stroking her hair. It was, of course, Lisa. Still under the influence of her horrible dreams Carol stood for a moment taking in the scene and immediately saw red. Putting two and two together and failing to get four she started to yell.  
"You bloody monster!" she shouted at John. "Get your filthy hands off my daughter! I should have known. I should have seen it before. It's her you wanted all along isn't it? You're just like me dad!" And with that she jumped on John and started hitting him with all her strength.  
Both Lisa and John were aghast. John tried to shield himself from the attack while Lisa leapt to her feet and tried to pull Carol off him. Carol was like a demon with her arms flailing at John.  
"Carol get off him! What the hell are you doing?" Lisa asked, pulling at her. John couldn't speak - he was frozen in shock with his arms over his head.  
Furiously Carol turned to Lisa. "He's not getting away with this! I'm not letting him do to you what my dad did to me. He can keep his filthy hands off you." Lisa crumpled. "What are you talking about?" she asked. "He's never touched me."  
"But I saw him! Arm round you, stroking your hair. What else has he done Lisa?" Carol was desperate. "What else has he done to you? Or what has he made you do to him?"  
Stunned, Lisa realised what Carol was inferring, and was horrified. Sobbing she pulled Carol one more time and got her off John. They both landed on the floor in a heap.  
"You stupid woman!" yelled Lisa. "He's never done anything wrong! John wouldn't hurt me. He's never done anything." Slowly Carol turned to John. She saw the hurt look on his face and in that moment she knew. She knew that he would never do anything to hurt her or to hurt Lisa. She knew that he loved them both and only wanted to look after them. She felt sick at the memory of what she had said to him, what she had accused him of.

"John, I'm so sorry," Carol sobbed as she got to her feet. "I'm so so sorry. I know you wouldn't hurt either of us."  
Cautiously John stood up, half wondering if she was going to start laying into him again.  
"I... I..." John couldn't form any words. He was hurt beyond belief that Carol would even think such things of him. He couldn't bear to be compared to her father when he had done everything in his power to love her.  
"I'm going out," he finally declared.  
"No! Please don't. Please stay!" sobbed Carol, holding on to his arms. "I'm so sorry."  
"I can't. I need some air. Let me go." He peeled her off him and headed for the door.  
Lisa ran to him. "John don't take any notice of her," she pleaded, "I trust you. Please don't go." She put her hand on his arm. Covering her hand with his John gave her a sad smile. "It's alright Lisa love, it'll be alright. Just let me go for now." And with that he shook her hand off his arm and walked out of the door, stopping only to grab his keys and coat. He gently shut the door behind him, not being one to slam it in drama, and was gone. Stunned into silence the two girls looked at each other in horror, both truly realising how much they needed John. Carol stepped towards Lisa, wanting to comfort her and be comforted but as she reached out Lisa pushed her away.  
"Get your hands off me!" she screamed. ""I hate you! And if John doesn't come back I'll never forgive you!" With that she ran up the stairs and slammed her bedroom door shut, leaving Carol alone in the lounge, too stunned even to cry. What on earth had she done, and how would she ever put it right?


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm discovering that the strange thing about writing fanfic on here is that you have no idea if you're taking anyone with you! So I'm concluding my story, grateful for the comments when they come and for the kudos. I'd love to have feedback on the story if anyone (other than the lovely GisbornesGirl!) is still reading. I must admit that I'm mostly stilll writing it for myself, to provide myself with a satisfactory ending to the cliffhanger that is Sparkhouse. I just hope some other people have found it interesting and maybe even got some closure through it.

Carol woke alone on the sofa as the dawn was breaking. She hadn't found the courage to go up to the empty bed, preferring to stay downstairs where she could hear if the door opened and John came back in. Sadly no door opened and no John returned that night. Carol shifted herself awkwardly on the sofa, trying to fathom what had woken her when a strange kind of tightening around her stomach made her gasp. After a few minutes to get her breath back she got to her feet only to stumble back onto the sofa as the tightening struck again. She couldn't work out what was going on but knew she desparately needed the bathroom so would have to try again to stand. Steadily she got up and edged her way to the downstairs bathroom. A few minutes later she was back out in the kitchen and headed for the sink to make a drink. Out of the blue another of the tightening pains hit her and she grabbed the edge of the sink, breathless. This time she felt it in her back too and gasped out loud. For what felt like an age she couldn't move then gradually the pains subsided and she was able to slowly straighten up again. Eventually she was able to pad back to the sofa. When the pains rolled back a fourth time she felt panic rise. What could be going on? Carol wished John would come back, or that Lisa would come down. Eventually when the pains returned once more Carol recognised them for what they were... contractions! Her labour had started! And here she was, alone in the lounge having scared John away and rendered Lisa so angry that she had stormed off. So many times in her life Carol had felt alone but somehow this was worse. She had now had a taste of family, a flavour of how things can be when you're part of a team... and she'd blown it. What a time to mess it up, just when she needed support. But where could John be now? He had promised her he wouldn't leave her. He had promised, and now he was gone.

As the waves of pain and tightening came and went Carol paced the room, stopping to grab hold of furniture when she needed it and trying to remember to breathe as Sally had taught them in her class. She thought of the others from the class and wished she could call Kate or Ellen to come and be with her. Finally she heard sounds of movement from upstairs - at last Lisa was up and about. It wouldn't be long before she came down and perhaps she would have calmed down by now. Overcome by another wave of pain Carol leant over the back of the sofa and buried her face in the fabric. Lisa's footsteps rang out on the stairs and she burst into the room. In a flash she took in the sight of Carol bent over in pain, breathing heavily, and the anger that had stayed with her through the night instantly dissipated. 

"Carol!" she screamed, "What's going on?"  
As the latest pains subsided Carol looked up at Lisa. "It's the baby, Lisa love. The baby's coming."  
Lisa ran to her and out her arms around her. "What can I do? What do you need? Should I call someone? John??! How can we find him? We need him to come back!"  
At this Carol broke into sobs. "I don't think he ever will Lisa. I've pushed him away. How could I have been so stupid?"  
"You were stupid," Lisa agreed, "Bloody stupid. But John loves you."  
Carol looked up at her sadly. "I've blown it though." she whispered.  
"Look I'll find him. He'll come back honest. I know he will. I'll go look for him."  
"No!" Carol shouted. "You can't leave me. Not now. Not like this!" And with that another roll of pain hit her. Lisa grabbed her hand and held on tight. Carol gripped her hand back and breathed her way through the contraction. Just as it started to fade away again and the two girls let go of each other's hands a deep voice broke through the silence.  
"What the hell is happening here?" Neither of them had heard the back door open or John walk in the house. They'd not seen him freeze in horror as Carol gasped in pain and Lisa held her. They both turned to him, open - mouthed. In a flash the penny dropped and John understood what was going on. He knew the baby was coming and ran towards them. Falling to his knees before Carol he pulled her towards him. "Carol, I'm so sorry. I should have been here." Rocking her in his arms he buried his face in her hair.  
"John I'm so sorry too. It was all my fault," sobbed Carol as she clung on to him. With that another contraction washed over her and John held her til it passed. "How often are they coming? How long are they lasting?" he asked, thinking back to their classes. Both girls looked at each other blankly. They had no idea.  
"Right, we need to be writing this down. Lisa go get a pen and paper. We need to time it all and write it down." John was back and he was taking charge! Finally letting go of control Carol leant into John. So very relieved he had come back she held on to him. "Thank you," she mumbled. "Thank you for coming back. I really thought you'd gone for good."  
"I couldn't, Carol. I thought I could. I got in the car and drove for miles but as soon as I stopped I knew I needed to come back to you. I know you don't love me Carol but I love you and I WILL support you. And maybe one day you will feel something for me too." His voice was tainted with sadness but he gave her a weak smile.  
"John!" exclaimed Carol. "Don't talk like that! I don't want you to think like that any more!"  
Puzzled he looked into her eyes. "What do you mean?" He hardly dared hope...  
"I do love you John. I do. I didn't realise it til you went. Last night when I thought you'd gone for good I understood. I realised what it means to love someone. It means you need them with you. And you will do anything to make them happy. All I could think of once you'd gone was that I love you and I just want to be the one who makes you happy."  
John couldn't believe his ears. They clung together in a new sense of hope til Lisa returned with the pen and paper, reminding them with an unsubtle cough that she was there, and then another contraction hit and they were back in the baby business again. 

And so time passed, Carol being carried through her labour by John and Lisa until the time came to take her to the hospital. The idea of Lisa going in to school was raised and dropped again just as quickly. There was no way she was going to miss out on the birth of her sibling and sit through double maths. To be truthful there was no way either that John and Carol would have let her miss such a family milestone. So they all arrived together at the maternity ward. 

Richard John Standring was born later that day, relatively smoothly and weighing a healthy eight pounds six. As John stood back to admire his son he took in the picture of his wife, his baby and his step daughter and knew that he finally had all that he had dreamt of. With a spring in his step he ran down to the public telephone to call Ellen and Steve, and Kate and Mike. They'd be waiting to hear the good news.

The next day the new, slightly larger Standring family headed home to get used to their new arrival. Over the next couple of days their friends from the antenatal class came with gifts, flowers and cards. Within the month each of their babies had also arrived and the Standrings took their turn at visiting other new parents with their newborns bearing gifts and cards. 

This is how, with love and patience, John Standring helped to lay the ghosts of the past that had cast a long shadow over the life of Carol. And how Carol Standring helped wipe away the loneliness and isolation of John. Deep down Lisa Boulton liked to believe that she played a decent sized part in making her parents happy, although even she had to admit she shared that role with her siblings. Siblings in the plural because of course baby Richard wasn't the last. He was followed at almost precisely two year intervals by another boy, Alexander Frederick Standring, named for John's beloved grandad, and eventually a little daughter, Catherine Joy, named for John's mum and for the main feeling this little baby brought to her family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've got this far well done, and thank you for reading :-)


End file.
